I keep rewriting this blog.
I'm sorry I'm a drunk.
No, I'm not all that sorry. Fuck you for judging me for it.
I cracked my first beer at 1:30 today, and am on my way to buy a bottle of scotch to mix with my bottle of Disaronno.
This is what I do.
I have my reasons.
I am just very tired of people giving me shit for how I drink.
"Dany, you drink too much." "Dany, your drunk texts are annoying." "Dany, I've never seen you sober." "Dany, I can't date you because you're always drunk."
I KNOW.
You think I don't know that I'm forever alone because I'm slowly killing myself with alcohol? Hell, that's half the reason why I was dumped by my ex. Do I wish that bothered me? Yes. But it doesn't.
I'm sorry I'm a mess. I'm sorry that I don't care I'm a mess. I'm sorry I'm drunk at 2:31 in the afternoon. I'm sorry that I don't care that I'm drunk at 2:31 in the afternoon.
But hell. If you can't accept that I'm a 23-year-old piece of shit right now, then maybe I'm better off without people.
That's an emo thing to say. Is emo still a thing? Or did that die in 2007? Gerard Way, Bert McCracken? Are you still a thing?
Either way. Judging is easy. Understanding is a lot more difficult.
Maybe you should hug me instead of pointing fingers.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Regrettable Edibles
I'm in the middle of washing copious amounts of laundry. It's hot as fuck in this house, and I am ravenously hungry at a constant rate. I've done a lot of things this week that I regret, and boy, do I hate regrets. In the beginning, I didn't really regret anything. Transient happiness is better than no happiness, if it's all I can get. When you come crashing down from that, though, you hit hard.
I have discovered that I do not feel emotional attachment the same way others do. We can pretend that we've been married for the last seven years, stop talking entirely, and I won't feel a thing.
I am so, so broken.
But not in the I-lie-on-the-floor-and-sob-for-hours broken. I just don't function correctly. But hell, sometimes when something breaks, you jury-rig it and make it work, and it's just as effective. Hell, maybe you made it a little better because it was a shoddy piece of shit to begin with.
That was a tangent and a half. Where was my point?
Almost all humans will attest that emotions are necessary. Maybe I've watched a little too much Star Trek in the middle of the night when I'm tired and vulnerable, but I like the way I am. I have limited knowledge of how to act in social situations, and I don't give a damn if I hurt your feelings, but I get by. I would rather you suffer my cold indifference than make you happy, at times. And I like it this way.
But lately. Ohhh, lately. This lack of emotion is getting me into trouble. There are certain times in our lives where we are supposed to feel something. We are supposed to fall in love with someone, or we are supposed to suffer to see our loved ones suffer, or we are supposed to be disgusted with the pervert on the evening news. I can earnestly feel some of these stronger emotions, but the rest of them have to be faked.
Not only do I not want to fall in love with you, and I don't want to care about your achievements, and I don't pity you half as much as I should, but I'm simply not going to. My only advice to you is to run.
When not feeling an emotion causes me to regret every decision I've made for the last week, you know that an atomic bomb is brewing in the back of my brain. Duck and cover. Sound the alarms. Set your phasers to stun each other if the zombies come. Something is about to go horribly wrong.
But, hell. It's better to regret the things you've done than the ones you haven't.
BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.
PARTY ON, DUDES.
I have discovered that I do not feel emotional attachment the same way others do. We can pretend that we've been married for the last seven years, stop talking entirely, and I won't feel a thing.
I am so, so broken.
But not in the I-lie-on-the-floor-and-sob-for-hours broken. I just don't function correctly. But hell, sometimes when something breaks, you jury-rig it and make it work, and it's just as effective. Hell, maybe you made it a little better because it was a shoddy piece of shit to begin with.
That was a tangent and a half. Where was my point?
Almost all humans will attest that emotions are necessary. Maybe I've watched a little too much Star Trek in the middle of the night when I'm tired and vulnerable, but I like the way I am. I have limited knowledge of how to act in social situations, and I don't give a damn if I hurt your feelings, but I get by. I would rather you suffer my cold indifference than make you happy, at times. And I like it this way.
But lately. Ohhh, lately. This lack of emotion is getting me into trouble. There are certain times in our lives where we are supposed to feel something. We are supposed to fall in love with someone, or we are supposed to suffer to see our loved ones suffer, or we are supposed to be disgusted with the pervert on the evening news. I can earnestly feel some of these stronger emotions, but the rest of them have to be faked.
Not only do I not want to fall in love with you, and I don't want to care about your achievements, and I don't pity you half as much as I should, but I'm simply not going to. My only advice to you is to run.
When not feeling an emotion causes me to regret every decision I've made for the last week, you know that an atomic bomb is brewing in the back of my brain. Duck and cover. Sound the alarms. Set your phasers to stun each other if the zombies come. Something is about to go horribly wrong.
But, hell. It's better to regret the things you've done than the ones you haven't.
PARTY ON, DUDES.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
'Looks Aren't Everything.'
The fuck they aren't.
How many times have you heard someone tell you that looks aren't everything? Whether you're feeling like shit about your looks, or you're critiquing the looks of someone else, some jackass in the vicinity is going to say it. And it's not like he can come up with any other way to say it, that isn't cliche. He's just going to keep saying it the same way over and over again, until the sentence has absolutely no meaning at all.
We can't even blame American culture at this point. I mean, sure, we're the most vain human beings on the planet. But it isn't just us. No matter where you go, there are visual markers that we judge each other on. Certain cultures have visual status symbols, like you see in the Natty G magazines, with dudes with giant plates in their lips. That's a tangible symbol. The bigger the plate in your lip, the more of a G you are. Rabbis have beards and curls to set them apart, among other things. The Chinese like small feet for a woman. No matter where or when you look, you're doing just that: looking.
To say that you don't judge on looks is the biggest bunch of bullshit in the world. As much as I would love to say that looks don't matter and certainly aren't everything, I'd be the biggest liar on the planet. Our world is one in which our primary sense is visual. Before we learn to speak, we see everything. Our subconscious picks up things in our peripheral vision that we aren't even aware we're seeing. So much stock is put in sight. We have glasses to correct our vision, and surgery to correct our vision when we're worried about how we look. The world is made of millions of colors and patterns to please our eyes because we rely so much on sight.
So, with sight being such an important factor in our lives, why wouldn't we base most of our decisions on what we see? To be fair, we don't always choose what we find aesthetically pleasing. I love the color blue. Why? Couldn't say. I just really love the color. Our favorite everythings are different because we respond to different visual stimuli. Does our society dictate a lot of what we find appealing? Absolutely. But just as much of it are things that we have no control over.
To say that looks aren't everything defies our brain entirely. Sure, you can't marry someone that repulses you, but you'll also never be happy with someone that you aren't sexually attracted to. A good conversation is important, but we need serotonin. Even if you're only slightly attracted to someone's looks, that is still sexual attraction. It's animalistic at best, but it's a biological response we need. I would never lie to someone and tell them not to worry about how they look because looks aren't everything. Looks are a lot of it. Being attractive gets you a lot of places in life. Do I wish this were not the case? Yes and no. I don't want to live in a vain world, but I sure as hell want to live in a pretty one.
Looks honestly aren't everything, but you can't expect people not to judge you on how you look ever. If you realize how much humans use their visual world to make judgements, flip it back on them and use it to your advantage.
How many times have you heard someone tell you that looks aren't everything? Whether you're feeling like shit about your looks, or you're critiquing the looks of someone else, some jackass in the vicinity is going to say it. And it's not like he can come up with any other way to say it, that isn't cliche. He's just going to keep saying it the same way over and over again, until the sentence has absolutely no meaning at all.
We can't even blame American culture at this point. I mean, sure, we're the most vain human beings on the planet. But it isn't just us. No matter where you go, there are visual markers that we judge each other on. Certain cultures have visual status symbols, like you see in the Natty G magazines, with dudes with giant plates in their lips. That's a tangible symbol. The bigger the plate in your lip, the more of a G you are. Rabbis have beards and curls to set them apart, among other things. The Chinese like small feet for a woman. No matter where or when you look, you're doing just that: looking.
To say that you don't judge on looks is the biggest bunch of bullshit in the world. As much as I would love to say that looks don't matter and certainly aren't everything, I'd be the biggest liar on the planet. Our world is one in which our primary sense is visual. Before we learn to speak, we see everything. Our subconscious picks up things in our peripheral vision that we aren't even aware we're seeing. So much stock is put in sight. We have glasses to correct our vision, and surgery to correct our vision when we're worried about how we look. The world is made of millions of colors and patterns to please our eyes because we rely so much on sight.
So, with sight being such an important factor in our lives, why wouldn't we base most of our decisions on what we see? To be fair, we don't always choose what we find aesthetically pleasing. I love the color blue. Why? Couldn't say. I just really love the color. Our favorite everythings are different because we respond to different visual stimuli. Does our society dictate a lot of what we find appealing? Absolutely. But just as much of it are things that we have no control over.
To say that looks aren't everything defies our brain entirely. Sure, you can't marry someone that repulses you, but you'll also never be happy with someone that you aren't sexually attracted to. A good conversation is important, but we need serotonin. Even if you're only slightly attracted to someone's looks, that is still sexual attraction. It's animalistic at best, but it's a biological response we need. I would never lie to someone and tell them not to worry about how they look because looks aren't everything. Looks are a lot of it. Being attractive gets you a lot of places in life. Do I wish this were not the case? Yes and no. I don't want to live in a vain world, but I sure as hell want to live in a pretty one.
Looks honestly aren't everything, but you can't expect people not to judge you on how you look ever. If you realize how much humans use their visual world to make judgements, flip it back on them and use it to your advantage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)