This blog is a disorganized mess because I'm angry.

I try to live my life with sincerity.  I try to show everyone I meet the love and attention they deserve.  You never know the personal war that someone is fighting, so I always try to make every interaction with another person worth it.  Not too long ago, I had a customer at work who needed to order a toner cartridge online.  He was an older gentlemen, soft-spoken, and very polite.

Now, dotcom orders are a total pain in the ass sometimes.  They aren't that difficult to execute, but they are time consuming if the customer does not know what they want.  However, I immediately stopped what I was doing to help this man.  I have a soft spot for old people, and, like I said, I try to make every moment with a new person count.

This man was prepared.  He knew exactly what toner cartridge he needed, and the whole transaction didn't take long.  While he was paying for it, he told me, "Last time I tried to order this, I went through three different people."  Apparently, three of my coworkers had passed him around, each not wanting to take the time to help him.  I told him, "Well, I'm glad we were able to get you taken care of today."  I didn't want to take extra credit for simply doing my job.  I didn't go out of my way for this man; this is part of what I am required to do every day.

That night, however, I went home and cried my eyes out.

I was so upset for this man.  I was so hurt that the people I work with would give someone the run-around like that.  I mean, some customers can be a real pain in the ass, but we still must do our jobs.  How  dare we be so freaking lazy that we won't help an old man with one transaction?  I cried and cried from the guilt for that guy.  I was hurt knowing that when I am his age, people are going to look at me and immediately not want to deal with me because of my age.  He wasn't senile, he wasn't rude, and he certainly wasn't a pain to deal with.  But because we deal with so many people that are a pain, this man was discriminated against.  To say the least, I was upset.

Today, I had an elderly customer who wanted to talk to a technology expert.  My manager directed him to me, and I greeted him with a smile.  I figured this interaction would be like all the rest:  he would ask me questions about something, and I would give him all of the information I could.  I would be sincere and kind through the whole thing, and he would leave knowing that I really do value interacting with people.

This second man was the polar opposite of the first.

This second guy was the absolute most racist asshole I have ever met in my life.

Through the whole conversation, he kept asking me general questions about archaic technology.  When I explained to him that a transistor and a vacuum tube can have several definitions depending on what object you are tying them with, he asked me how old I am.  I told him, and he said, "Well, you don't know shit."  After saying that about five times, he decided to give me a history lesson on everything from World War II to telling me where Rhode Island is.  By this point, I was beyond pissed off, but I wouldn't show that because that's not the type of person I am.  None of the conversation made any sense; he kept asking me questions about different parts of history, none of which tied together.  I frantically was looking for a manager to get this guy away from me.  I was trying to work on other things, and he wouldn't stop telling me that I didn't know shit, and that there wasn't anything that I knew more about than he did.  Now, when I tell this next part, keep in mind that this is a 69-year-old white man.

"Do you know what Haiti is?" he asked me.

"I know it's an island...?" I said.

"Do you know who lives there?"

"Haitians live there."  I had no idea where he was going with this.

"No, those fucking niggers live there.  And do you know what those fucking niggers did?"

"No, sir. I don't."

"They killed all the white people."

By this point, I honestly had no idea how to react.  I simply stared at him because I was earnestly scared by him.

"And most of them were French, too.  Those fucking niggers killed all the white people."

And the part of the story that sealed the deal for me was the ending.

"Do you know why no trees grow in Haiti?"

"No, sir. I don't. Why do no trees grow in Haiti?"

"God is punishing all those fucking niggers."  He held up a peace sign, glared at me with the most murderous look I have ever seen, and said, "White woman."  He bent down to pick up his bag, and said, "God is punishing those fucking niggers.  God bless you," and left the store.

I don't give two shits about how true or false his story is.  I don't care if he suffers from PTSD like he says.  I don't care if he was an engineer for the Air Force.  This man makes me absolutely sick, and he is a great example of why no one helps one another out anymore.

For the rest of the day, I feared talking to anymore customers.  I feared that everyone I talked to would personally attack me, and then give me the most hate-filled history lesson imaginable.

I don't quite know how to explain how this made me feel.  I am absolutely livid that this man was able to just walk into the store and start harassing me.  I am absolutely raged beyond all belief that he had the audacity to tell me that I am stupid.  I may be stupid, but nothing, NOTHING compares to his sickening ignorance.

Hey asshole, there is only one race, the human race.  As far as I am concerned, if you are "racist," you are against all of humanity.  I'm sorry if you think that because I don't look at people as a color, that I am stupid and naive.  I'm sorry that you feel the need to look down on me because I believe in loving all human beings.  But honestly, I fucking feel bad for you.  I feel bad for you that you have to feel such hate in your heart.  I pity that you can look at the color of one's skin and feel such rage.  I feel sorry for you because you can't look passed the bridge of your nose at what a beautiful place the world is.  But you make me absolutely sick to my stomach.

People like the first man make me proud to be who I am, a person that can take the time to get to like something about everyone.  But people like the second man ruin any chance this world has at tolerance, acceptance, and love.  Even I didn't want anything to do with him after the fifth time he told me I didn't know shit.

Don't get me wrong.  I truly pity this man because I think he is mentally unstable.  If he really suffers from PTSD, I am very sorry about that.  This is why I didn't fight back when he verbally attacked me.  I thought to myself, "If he is unstable, he needs help, not another fight."  But he honestly didn't deserve any help I was willing to give him.

So here's a shout out to you, you racist son of a bitch: fuck off.  You will not meet another person in the world willing to take your abuse and sickening racism with the grace I did.  And while I would cry for you if someone knocked your block off, I wouldn't deny that you deserved it because you make me absolutely sick inside.  You will be at a point in your life where someone will have to save you.  And if God truly exists, I hope He sends a black person your way and you choke on every racist word you have ever spoken.

I wish I could tell the truth.

I'd like to buy the world a Coke.

Do you remember those commercials? One person would buy a Coca-Cola for another, and that person would buy a Coca-Cola for someone else, and the chain would continue until everyone imaginable was sipping on a bubbly pop. The cola brought everyone together into a world where we could express our appreciation for one another without words.

I'd like to buy the world a Coke.

We always hear, "Don't judge because you never know where someone has come from." Admittedly, I am horrible about this. If I see someone with dirty hair, insults sling through my synapses before I stop and think, "Maybe that person's water has been shut off because he/she is struggling to pay for it." When I see a screaming child in the store, I silently berate the parent for spoiling the child, or not knowing proper discipline. Then I think, "Perhaps the child is autistic or mentally disturbed, and this is a meltdown." That is something I can certainly relate to.

These comments I make in my head are nearly automatic. And I hate myself afterward. No one deserves to be looked upon like they are scum simply because we are ignorant of each other.

I, for one, fear going out in public because of this. I am so terrified of the looks people will cast my way, the thoughts they may form about me, or the scoffs that will hit me when I leave the house. There isn't too much reason for people to look at me like that; I blend in fairly well. However, I know how people think--I know how I think--and I don't want others to think the way I do.

I started a personal project not too long ago in which I tell anyone who asks me to, all of the positive things about them that I see. For those I know better, the list is much longer, but I am willing to do this even for those I have met online. I do not believe in altruism, so this is no selfless act on my part, but I do believe that it could better the entire world. Can you imagine if, for one day, we all made each other feel worth the life we are living? Can you imagine what our daily lives would be like if we could receive two compliments for every insult? Can you imagine if we made each other feel valued every single day? The world would still be a very flawed and somewhat tragic place, but the sun would burn a little brighter for everyone.

I have never believed that the only thing the world needs is love. I am far too cynical and have experienced proof to the opposite of that. This entire world needs a lot of work. But love is the foundation of everything that could improve us. If we loved ourselves, others, the life we're given, the earth, the things we own, our futures, improvements would be made. This would never "fix" the world and all of its problems, but gorram, we'd have a start.

My bucket list has one goal on it: I'd like to buy the world a Coke. I want to show everyone love, hoping that, for even just a moment, they will know that I love who they are and value them. What greater gift could I give?