I know that I pretend not to give a fuck about anyone. Unfortunately for me, I care about you more than anyone else does. If you're a part of my life, I love you deeply. That's just how I am. Do you irritate the fuck out of me? Probably. Do I think you're incredibly stupid? Most likely. Do I ignore you when you talk? Absolutely. But no one loves you more than I do, and I can promise you that. I want you to be happy. I want you to live the most beautiful life in the world, and only know love. I don't want you to ever shed one tear, or to know pain. I am so devoted to making you happy, and it damn near kills me.
I can't say anyone feels this way about me. Sure, you may say those words, but do you feel them? I highly doubt it. And if you earnestly feel it, I know for a fact that you don't show it. People are not affectionate with me. Perhaps that is because I try to distance myself from others. (I tend not to trust...anyone.) I don't want to get close to you because I know you'll let me down. EVERYONE lets me down. It's impossible not to. But when you live up to my expectations of you, you let me down even more. When you show your humanity, you let me down. When you give in to my cold indifference, you let me down. When you stop caring about me because I expect you not to care, you let me down.
I want you to love me as much as I love you. Maybe this can change my cold, cynical heart. I don't give into emotions, but I still want to be loved and admired. I want people to enjoy my company, and to want to be around me. I want people to look at the tears hiding behind my eyes, and feel pangs in their heart.
I like to say that I have three friends. I've been lying. I don't see anyone as my friend. Scouts' Honor. Friends don't treat each other like this. It's half my fault, though. I don't let you get close to me. I don't let you be my friend. So I have no one to blame but myself. But if you were my friend, you would know that I do this. You would know that I have a hard time trusting people. You would call me out on it and make me stop being such a fuckface. Have you done this lately? Then don't get offended when I think you're a shitty excuse for a friend.
I'd like to name-drop here and call people out, but I'm just not that type. I love you enough to want you to protect you from how I feel about you.
If you take anything from my disorganized claptrap, it should be this: fucking check up on people once in a while. Stop being selfish and make sure your friends aren't struggling with something on their own. Because half the time, I am, and the hardest part is that you don't know.
