Carpe Diem--and then bitch-smack it.

Seize the day; make something of your life. Don't sit around waiting for life to drop something in your lap. Make things happen; be a go-getter. Most importantly: never let a moment go by without making the most of it. But is that really what 'carpe diem' means?

No, it isn't. Carpe diem is not about taking every opportunity to do the things you want to do; it's about never fearing the rapidly approaching future. You cannot seize something if you're terrified of it. You will not make the most of the time you have if you fear what may come at you from around the corner.

I know this because I am afraid of everything.

Every day is an anxious battle for sanity. It isn't that something will happen to make me nervous. I simply wake up, scared for anything that could go wrong in the day. I can't watch others use scissors, knives, or other sharp instruments. I panic every time I have a migraine because I fear that I will have an aneurysm. Every moment that I am in a car, I am a nervous wreck. I don't leave the house for fear of being kidnapped, robbed, murdered, etc. When I say I am afraid of everything, I do not exaggerate.

Because of my anxiety, I don't get a lot accomplished during the day. I wake up, play some video games, read a few tech websites, read books, eat, and occasionally play a musical instrument. I am 20 years old and have nothing notable to mention from my two decades on Earth. This is not from a lack of trying to 'seize the day,' but rather, from an inability to shake the fear that keeps me from venturing outside my living room.

I bring this up because recently, I have been talking to a friend about playing an Irish sport called Hurling. I have given myself every single excuse in the book on why I should not and CANNOT play a sport. Oh, I'll be injured. Oh, I'll embarrass myself somehow. Oh, I'm not good at playing on a team, like a well-oiled machine. Oh, I'll make the team lose, and then I'll cry my eyes out. Oh, I'm so bad at sports that I will embarrass myself beyond repair. Oh, I'll be injured. (I reiterate those last two because they're all I can think about, nearly.)

However, so much of me wants to play a sport. I could use the exercise. I could use the excuse to get out of the house, to become more social, to increase my hand-eye coordination. Common sense is slapping me in the face screaming, "GO FOR IT! You know you'll regret it if you don't take this opportunity!" But that anxious part of me would rather live with the regret of missing out than the potential embarrassment, injury, etc.

Common sense is telling me to carpe diem. But for me, that does not mean getting up and doing something. That means punching my fear in the face and doing something no matter how much my brain protests. As of yet, I have been unable to quell the protests and take a chance. I am not a risk taker. Even thinking about taking this opportunity has made my hands clammy and my heart race. And I'm still sitting at my computer!

I want to seize the day and show my life that I am in control. But until I become in control, I will continue to be anxious and afraid. Should I take the chance and seize this opportunity, or should I stay safe and forget about it?

I wish I could figure it out.

It's 3:24 a.m. Do you know where Dany is?

Not sleeping; that's for dang sure.

I think I'm going to learn to play 'Santa Monica' by Theory of a Deadman.
It's a simple song, but I absolutely love it. It reminds me of so much.

The will to blog does not exist for me anymore.
But I promise that I will scrape up some sort of fiction soon. Somehow....

I think the problem with my writer's block stems from the fact that there are so many things I need to say, but so many things I can't say.

"Ooh, and she said, 'Don't you wish you were dead like me?'"

It's not a fear of being judged. It's a fear of pissing people off. I hate offending anyone, upsetting anyone, making anyone angry.... If I can't say what's on my mind, I tend to say nothing at all. I need to stop that. It ruins any sort of creative thought I may have.

Not to mention, everything I have ever wanted to say to the person who hurt me the most has already been said. The biggest motivator for writing in my life has already been perfectly explained. I can't come up with any better words than this. Every single word of this song is EXACTLY what I need to say to someone.


That was for you.