'My Immortal'

I have way too many trust issues. I mean, WAAAAAY too many. I don't trust anything anyone says to me. Literally. The only people I trust 100% are my tiny little baby siblings. (Okay, so they're seven, seven, and four now, but they're still my babies!) I don't even trust my parents all the time. ESPECIALLY not my biological mother.

I won't tell the whole story about her (unless you specifically request it), but she left me. It was a long-ass time ago, and I've forgiven her. I grew up without her, and I didn't mind it. It wasn't till I was older that I realized that I was supposed to have a mom, and that she wasn't supposed to physically and mentally abuse me. She wasn't supposed to neglect me, and she was supposed to see me when she promised she would. Through everything, and because of everything, and in spite of everything, I don't hate her. I can't hate her. I grew up and realized that, as badly as she hurt me, she did me the greatest favor in the world by leaving my father to raise me. He's my main man, and he raised me well. And it wasn't till I was older that I also realized that, as badly as she hurt me, she was hurting herself even more. I know her life was full of pain, maybe even moreso than mine. And even though she did it out of selfishness, I know it must have hurt her to leave a four-month-old baby.

That's right, I forgave her. I said goodbye to bitterness, anger, resentment, and whatever else she made me feel. But I cannot get rid of that lack of trust. I cannot shake the dislike I have for the female population, and I certainly don't trust a soul, besides the three aforementioned.

I haven't seen my mother since I was ten, and I'm now twenty. I never even heard from her in those ten long years. I could have a relationship with her now, if I wanted. I could search for her on the various social networks, and I could try to be that long-lost daughter again.

But why fucking bother? I know what we'll happen. I'll be the best damn thing that happened to her for a while. She'll realize that I love her more than anyone else has ever loved her, or ever will love her. She'll remember that I am her first-born child, her oldest daughter, that I have her eyes; and she'll weep. She'll cry for all that lost time, and for not being around when I went to kindergarten, when I discovered art, when I went to two proms, when I graduated high school, when my heart was broken. And then I'll be old news again. It'll be too much of an effort for her to be my mom. I'll be that pain in her ass that she wasn't ready for, and wasn't worth the attempt. And I'll be heart-broken all over again. I'll stay up every night, crying and missing her, missing the potential of knowing exactly who my mommy is.

And I don't want that.

But really, it's not that different from now.

Mom, I've forgiven you, and I've tried to forget you. But you are woven into my soul for all of eternity. I will forever be the one child she didn't want to bother with. I'll be the girl with her eyes; eyes she hasn't looked into in ten years. If I never talk to her again, and I never know what cards life dealt her, it won't change a thing. The damage has been done, and I'll never trust a soul as long as I live. I'll still hear songs that remind me of her, and cry myself to sleep at night. I'll still miss her and love her with more love that she deserves. My heart will never ever be able to leave her behind, though my brain tells it that it should.




(Obviously not my vid.)