My Bout With Christianity

Growing up, my dad and his side of my family were Jehovah's Witnesses. Okay, not every single one of them, but a good majority. I went to meetings every Sunday and Wednesday, and I really thought that it was the one, true religion. To this day, there are still fundamental Jehovah's Witnesses ideals that I accept to be the most likely to be true, but that's not what this is about.

I loved God when I was young. I thought it was crazy that a person could choose not to believe in Him. That was ludicrous! How could anyone not see everything He did?! But the older I got, and the more of the world I saw, the more I felt that something was amiss. During middle school, my dad and I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall. Eventually, I refused to talk about God with anyone. I wouldn't listen to songs that mentioned His name in any way, shape, or form. I wouldn't watch movies with religious themes, and I clammed up any time someone mentioned church.

I always claimed that certain things about God just didn't "make sense." And I knew that I wanted no part of any religion that caused so much war, hatred, and abuse of power. Sometime in high school, I simply stopped believing in God altogether. I went to a very small and very sheltered high school, so this was absolute insanity. I became a social leper after this. If anyone else in my school was an atheist, they certainly weren't open about it. At least, not till I was. Now, I didn't set some sort of trend, but I certainly made atheism a lot easier to talk about.

During my freshman year at college, I was beginning to discover the wonders of Taoism. I bought 'Tao Te Ching,' read it in an hour, and was hooked. I really believed that I had found the right religion for me. About a week later, a friend of mine invited me to her youth group. She wanted me to see the mime team that she was on, which was part of the church. Being that she was one of my closest friends, I attended the youth service. I wanted to leave before the night was anywhere near over, but I stayed. And I came back the next week. I was lonely, and my parents never let me out of the house. I needed some sort of social activity.

Week after week, I attended this youth group, and I kept secret my beliefs about the absence of God, and such. But as I looked around at this group of teenagers that so fiercely believed in a god that I didn't, I realized something that broke me all to pieces: I wanted what they had.

I didn't want the violence, wars, and fighting that came along with a Western religion. But I wanted that faith. I wanted something to fall back on when Karma was giving me the middle finger. I wanted to be part of a church family that would hold me together at my worst.

So, somehow, I made myself believe in God again. Everything I didn't understand, I gave the excuse that, "I'm just a human. How would I possibly understand such a great being?" It never made sense, but I wanted eternal love.

I wanted that eternal love so badly, that I left my only real home. My parents told me that they didn't want me to get baptized, and we fought fiercely, so I moved out. I slept on a pew in the church for a night, and then I moved in with the friend that had brought me to church in the first place.

Everything was excellent. I had my first boyfriend, who was also part of the church. I was so happy. Even when I was sad, I was still happy. But the longer things went on, the more I realized that I had told myself the most damaging lie I could: I talked myself into believing in God.

To this day, I can't believe that I managed to do it. I feel so stupid, so asinine, for becoming a believer. Now that I have regained my senses, and I have stepped back to analyze everything, I don't know how I ever went back to believing in something that makes no sense to me. I remember every tear I cried when I left my parents' house; I remember every tear my siblings cried when I left, and that breaks my heart more than anything. I remember every fight I got into over the great God debate. I remember every person I alienated for their differing beliefs.

In my world, this is what religion does. Scratch that. This is what WESTERN religion does. As a Taoist, I have never felt the needs to choke all of my friends with what I believe in. Not every person who is Christian, Catholic, Lutheran, etc., is a religious zealot, but I was. Never again, Christianity. Never again.

And to anyone I stepped on in my search for that unattainable eternal love, I apologize. I searched for love and acceptance from a being I don't believe in, when the real thing was in front of my face the entire time.