I'd rather write about those things.
My heart is fairly hard to break, but easy enough to bruise beyond forgiveness. I can hold a grudge for eternity and bring it up to defend myself from growing close to someone. I appear to be emotionally distant, but your actions hurt me more than I will ever let you know. How do you break my heart of ice?
I'm not so sure I want to tell you.
But I can't cop out like that. I'd have to type an entirely different blog, and I know that my laziness won't allow that. So I'll dig my own grave on this one.
-- Make an Autism joke.
This angers me more than it hurts me, but it still makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry for all the people in the world that are locked inside their own minds and can't express their brilliance. It pains me that someone is so brilliant, but God felt ironic the day he invented Autism and decided to mix brilliance with a lack of speech and social skills. Maybe I'm sensitive because my brother is afflicted, but still. Autism isn't funny, and if you joke about it, you'll never be able to emotionally connect with me on anything more than a superficial level.
--Confirm my fears.
I fear a lot of things. I fear that I'm not good enough. I fear that I'm hideously ugly. I fear that my boyfriend doesn't find me sexy. I fear that I won't be the only woman he desires for the rest of our lives. I fear that those I love will die before I've learned to cope with death. I fear what comes out of the dark. I fear that I will never make it through college and I will disappoint everyone. I fear that I am too arrogant.
Plain and simply, I'm paranoid to the core.
If you want to break my heart and change the way I look at the world, confirm one of my many fears. Convince me that I'm not good enough. Tell me that I'll lose everyone I love. Remind me that people never love me for long. I will never, never heal.
--Point out how skinny someone is.
I have weight issues. I've had weight issues since I can remember. I literally just became anorexic over time. I never thought, "I should stop eating because I'm fat." I really just stopped eating. Obviously, I was a skeleton for over half of my life. Because I wasn't consciously starving myself or trying to lose weight, I thought I looked normal. Now that I am actually around a normal weight, but still relatively thin, I can't help but think that I need to be thinner. I know in the back of my mind that I am not anywhere near fat. I'm not lumpy, and my body barely jiggles anywhere. But when I look at myself, all I can see is excess. My body isn't as firm as others', it seems. I know this doesn't make me fat, but my brain still wants to tell me I am. I will never be skinny enough, but I know better than to strive to be thinner.
Because of this, I am literally terrified of knowing that someone is thinner than I am. If a person points out to me, "Wow, that girl is REALLY thin," but makes no issue of my weight, I want to go throw up. I want to throw up until my body flips inside out and I die. Never discuss a thin person's weight with me. I will never forgive you for inadvertently throwing my own poor self-image in my face, even though it isn't your fault.
--Remind me of the world's pain.
I want to save everyone. I wish I could save everyone. But I can't. Knowing this is one of the biggest heart breakers ever. I want to end pain; I want to cure everything; I want to completely erase the tears shed in the world, but I can't. I can't save you, and I can't stand it.
--Commit suicide.
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend killed herself several years ago. I never knew her. Still, she haunts me. I miss her, and I don't even know her. He broke my heart when he told me the story of her death, and she broke my heart by dying and breaking his heart. When I sit in his bedroom, I think of her being there, and I cry. I don't do the typical girl thing and hate her because she's his ex. I'd give him up if it'd mean that he'd never have to go through the pain of losing her, and she'd never having to go through the pain of wanting to die. I don't even know what she looks like, and yet she haunts every step I take.
I cannot handle death. I could walk into a funeral of someone I don't know and cry harder than anyone else there. I have lost relatives that I barely knew, and it nearly killed me. I really cannot handle death. If a person commits suicide, I will not hate them; I will never speak against them. I will only miss them, and never forgive them for my broken heart.
I've often felt life and death go hand in hand. You can't truly have one without the other.
ReplyDeleteOne of my school friends (from 1st grade) died a month before his 18th birthday, but he lived more than anyone I've known. Everyone loved him, nobody had a bad word to say about him. He knew his death was a certainty from the moment he was born, but not once did he ever get down about it. It was knowing that drove him into living. It's much the same with the pain in the world, if you remove it everything gets far too easy. You no longer see the amazing wonders the world provides us with.
Focus on the negative and that's all you'll see; Focus on the positive and you'll take it completely for granted. The same pain that causes tears, the same pain that hurts the world, is the exact same reason there's so much love in it. It's the pain of shared experience that push us closer.
Look at our mutual fictional friend "John Smith", the pain he's experienced, the people he's lost... it's only served to make him even more amazing, even more appreciative, it's given him drive, it's made him fight.
So I see it as a good thing that you feel so deeply for someone you didn't know, or a distant relative. It may hurt you greatly at the time, but someone with that great of a capacity to feel so much pain in the world has a completely equal capacity to feel the love.
I love you, Dany.
ReplyDelete@Bryt -- I love you, too! :D
ReplyDelete