Fuck you, Girls Gone Wild.

I don't sleep very well at night. My brain won't shut up long enough for me to drift off. I usually try to watch television long enough to turn myself into a zombie and just pass out. Last night was no exception. I was flipping through the menu, when I noticed that Comedy Central was airing an old performance of George Carlin's. If you know only one thing about me, know this: I think George Carlin is a certified genius. I absolutely love that man. Anyway, while I was watching his stand-up, there were naturally commercials.

Let's examine this closely. It's 2 a.m. on a "Saturday night," I am watching a foul-mouthed comedian whose stand-up actually has a parental advisory on it, and this is Comedy Central. Got all that? It's only common sense that one would expect slightly raunchy commercials on at this hour.

But, let me tell you, last night was a little excessive.

During every single commercial break, I had to watch an infomercial for a Girls Gone Wild DVD set. During a few commercial breaks, this was the only commercial that would play. The George Carlin special was two hours long. If there were commercials every fifteen minutes (most likely), I saw a plethora of naked women around eight times.

We all know what Girls Gone Wild entails. College-aged females whip their boobs and vaginas out in front of a camera. Woo for originality. Sometimes the women are completely naked; sometimes they're kissing other girls or getting smashed. Who fucking cares? What they do is not what bothered me so much about seeing this infomercial 945804750498 times in one night. As usual, it's the implied message that pisses me off.

What was the announcer shouting while a thousand boobies bounced around on my screen? "We're looking for the hottest girl in America!"

Alright, alright--I understand that men find these women attractive. Most of them are. They're thin, but not string beans; they have nice breasts (for the most part); they lack inhibition, which is a turn-on for most guys; and they have plenty of general sex appeal. What's so frustrating about that? The women they show for candidates as "the hottest girl in America" are nothing what I look like. So, the message the television is sending me is that I am in no way attractive or sexy.

And I haven't even talked about the second DVD yet. I suppose it isn't that major, but I was still offended. The second DVD was a compilation of the best breasts that the producers had seen. Because of all the boobs I got to see, I have proof of what I have said all along: my boobs are not large enough to be visually pleasing. A-cups are just not acceptable in this country.

I was pretty upset over all of this last night. I mean, no one likes to be reminded that the majority of their society doesn't find them appealing or what have you. I've had zero self-esteem since the beginning of my life. I've bitched and whined and cried about it way too many times in my life. But after I went through that low point last night, and after I had slept a few hours, I woke up just pissed off about the whole situation.

I was angry that I had even been upset about this particular definition of attractiveness and sexiness. I was angry that I had let beauty be defined by drunk, trashy women with absolutely no sense of morals. I'm sorry I don't show my boobs on camera every chance I get. I'm sorry I don't feel the need to make out with other females. I'm sorry that naked hula-hooping isn't my idea of a good time when a thousand people are watching me. But mostly, I am genuinely sorry that I tried to define myself by the type of women that I despise the most. Never again will I bother to compare myself to people who define exactly what is wrong with the world.

Fuck you, Girls Gone Wild. I AM desirable, and you can stop trying to convince me otherwise.